Something New

Mike and I decided to get married. There was no proposal. No grand gesture that involved an orchestra, or an airplane.  No scavenger hunt, no youtube, no flash mob. It was just the two of us, having a conversation on a Sunday afternoon. Probably over coffee and bacon, or folding our laundry. To be honest, I really can’t remember.

I recently explained this to a woman I was waiting on the other day. And she asked me “So, what changed? What changed from last year, at this time, to now?” It was a good question.

I’ve been wanting to have kids for several years. We haven’t tried, but it’s something I’ve wanted. They say, ‘you’ll never be ready,’ to those who try to wait until they are. Waiting until we’re financially stable, is slowly being overshadowed by our age. I’m 33, Mike is 36.

I’m not saying we’re old, but being that I’m in my thirties, my ovaries are no ‘spring chickens’. And, I might be a little crazy, but they’ve actually started doing a tap dance routine when a baby is within a ten-foot radius. It’s like I can literally feel their high kicks and their jazz hands. I picture it being similar to the movie Space Balls when the alien crawls out of the man’s stomach wearing a top hat, with a cane in hand singing, “Hello my baby.” Same song. Same dance.

As this was happening to me for some time, I approached Mike last July and said we needed to start having kids soon. He agreed. I then asked him, “If we were going to have kids, would you rather be married?” (Being that we’ve been together for eight years or so, I already knew this answer, but I felt it necessary to ask for dramatic flare.) He said “yes.” I was preparing myself for this conversation because as everything in a relationship is a compromise, I knew the subject of marriage was going to remain on the table; often buried by my blog, our autonomy, or the idea that we didn’t need to fix what wasn’t broke. But all the while, it still remained, and I knew Mike wanted it there.

Mike used to propose to me all the time. It was usually after he, or we, had several drinks. Sometimes it would be just us and sometimes it was in front of our friends. I always said ‘yes’, but he knew it wasn’t what I wanted. It wasn’t about the committment, I was already committed. What I wanted, was what we had; just us simply being together– no papers, no false expectations, no pressure.

I watched a show once on t.v, where a couple explained their process on whether or not the wife should take her husband’s last name. She said, she didn’t necessarily want to, but her not wanting to was only at a 7 or 8. However, his wanting her to was at a 10. He wanted it more than she didn’t want it. So, she took his name. It was a compromise she was willing to make.

So, when I asked him, I knew what was coming; the question of, ‘who wants it more?’

I want kids. I want Mike to be the father of them and I’d like us to stick around for a while longer. Mike wants those same things, but he also wants to be married.

Will signing a marriage license solidify our wants? Who knows. For some people, I think it does. And for others, it doesn’t.

Is marriage going to enhance my life? I don’t know, but I do know our relationship has and hopefully will continue to as long as we let it.

I started this blog as an extension of research I’ve done over the years to write a book about our culture and marriage. I’m still always researching, writing and talking with others about the subject. And while, I’m hoping I can make the blog a priority again, in the meantime, I’ll be planning my wedding.


6 thoughts on “Something New

  1. Hmm it’s hard to decide whether congratulations are in order or not! Honestly, I don’t think marriage changes much, at least it didn’t for me. There is a certain solidity, in it, though. I know that my partner and I both take marriage pretty seriously, so I know that whatever happens we’ll work through it, there won’t be any walking away. Which was the case before, but seems more tangible now. If that makes any sense.

    Good luck with the planning and try to enjoy it 🙂

    • Hi, thanks. I appreciate your perspective. It comes from an honest place, which I’ll take just as many times as I’m congratulated, if not more. Sounds like you and your partner are in a healthy space. The ‘solidity’ factor definitely makes sense. Thanks for the comments.

  2. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding/marriage and just for having a good relationship with someone who sounds like is your best friend…something so many long for these days even in the relationships they are in! Cheers!

  3. I became divorced after 23 years of marriage and have 2 kids. I was completely content with my life, career and surprised by a relationship that I wasn’t looking for after my painful separation and divorce. Point being, why would I want to do it all over again? People asked me that on more than one occasion. But when people see us together they know why. It just felt right. Being married to him felt more authentic than the decision I made without wisdom in my first marriage. Each person has to do what is right for them. So congrats Chris my friend from high school! You deserve happiness in whatever timing and way is meaningful to you. 🙂

    • Hi, thanks for your post. I agree, you have to do whatever is right for you. For some reason though I don’t know if people know what is right for them. Or, they are so used to doing what everyone expects them to do that they don’t know how to do anything else… Congrats on your happy relationship and your new lifestyle.
      Thanks for reading my blog.

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